Thoughts On A Log Archive Go on back. Go to Page 2.
04.12.01
Rules For Going To The Movies
(This is all generally meant half-serious, half-complaining. After all, some smart people have confessed to not knowing some of the below).
1) Decide what you want to see before you go. Or at least while you are waiting in line.
2) You will most likely have to give your ticket to the guy inside anyway so don't put it in your wallet.
3) Don't put it in your mouth, either, while jamming your money into your wallet. That's just gross and makes you look dumb.
4) Decide what you want while in line at the concession.
5) If you did not understand the ticket taker's directions, don't bother him while he has a line of eighty other tickets to tear. Look for the movie yourself or consult with the concession person.
6) DON'T try and help the taker out by tearing your tickets yourself. They know what they are doing. Just surrender the ticket.
7) Yes, you need your stub.
8) No, that is not your ticket. It is your credit card reciept. Your ticket has the name of the movie on it.
9) Any special coupons for tickets needs to be redeemed at the ticket office. The ticket taker takes normal tickets. Besiddes, the special coupon SAYS it needs to be redeemed at the office.
10) The tearer cannot do anything about the long wait outside.
11) Also, he might like disgusting horror movies while you like romantic comedies. Please do not bother him about what is good. Besides, you already bought your ticket anyway. If you want to change it, go back outside.
12) The tearer does not make things up. If he says the rule is such a way, that is how the rule is.
13) You are in shorts and a tee-shirt. The tearer is in long pants, a lon sleeved shirt and a vest. Complaining about how cold it is causes 'I wish you would die' thoughts in the tearer's mind. He wishes he could be as cold as you are. He would not complain.
14) Please do not complain about problems with the movie to the tearer if he has thirteen people lined up with stubs held out.
15) If you aren't going to come back ever again, why complain to the manager?
16) Treat us like crap, you get nothing! NOTHING! Plus, we can throw you out. And tell the mall security gaurds about you.
17) The tearer does not have change.
18) It is not okay to leave your trash on the floor at the movies. It is just sad and ticks off the employees. Why would you do such a thing? The trash is right by the door when you leave.
19) The employees are just as annoyed by the typos in the paper as you are.
20) Crouching Tiger is in subtitles, people.
21) If we say it's on your right at the end, it's at the end on your right.
22) We have not seen movies that just came out today. Don't bother asking.
23) The bathrooms can be found if you look.
24) If you ask for a special favor, it behooves you to listen to the reply.
25) No, it is not funny if you keep a tight grip on the ticket as the person attempts to take it.
26) Don't touch the employees. Seriously. You may intend to be friendly but a kind word is better and less distressing then a pat on the shoulder.
27) You are allowed to close the doors by yourself when the movie starts.
28) They are required to ask if you want to upsize your popcorn and drink.
04.11.01 Weirdness I Have Known
The phone in my kitchen plays Spanish music very softly. It is quite good.
I used to sleep in a basement. Twenty feet away from dead people in a graveyard.
I've seen 'Scary Movie' with Hulk Hogan.
04.09.2001 Getting In Trouble For Not Not Quitting Correctly
You read that subject line right.
Let's take it from the top.
I got in at six. In a half an hour I get griped at twice, sweat seventy-six gallons of sweat and discover that the one time I assume my schedule was the same as it was for the PAST FIVE WEEKS IT WAS NOT and I was three hours late.
And I was at door (tearing tickets and sweating like a firehose). And I was supposed to be sweeping.
So I swept. I got down. I went upstairs and I got my bag.
AND. I. QUIT.
By god, I was out of there.
One of the cluefull shift managers wanted me to stop.
I did. Chris, as was his name, wasn't a stupid jerk-face idiot.
We talked it over. He wanted me to stay. He didn't understand why I was going. So I told him that to at least give me a half an hour. He agreed. I said if I was coming back, I was not doing door.
I sat in the ice cream store and called a person I trusted. (On a payphone). My mom, who lives nearby, suggested going back. I did.
With demands.
I am not doing door ever again. I'm getting this Wenesday off. Period. (Mom's b-day). Plus, to tell the other shift manager to lay off.
And it was okay. The other ushers were cool. But then Dave, a manager stopped by. His accent kicked in (think a gravely-voiced Apu) and I couldn't understand half of what the dork was saying. Then I figured it out.
Since I did -not- check in with a manager after deciding to come back, I had voilated a rule. For this I was to be...
wait for it...
written up!
Three write ups you're fired!
MWA HA HA HA !!!
They're gonna fire me for not not quitting in the correct manner!
Power Rangers Death Count
The first seasons of 'Power Rangers' was cool, for the most part. Sure it had the typical idiocies of any show of it's type. Why didn't they just amp up to their most powerful form to deal with the latest unearthly menace? To be fair, there were cool parts. The obligatory just-human battle with the evil foot soilders (Putties) involved martial arts moves any human could make.
Anywho, I also noticed something else extremely disturbing. When the Rangers finally decided to turn to their Mega Robot Analvenger form, half the time they were in the city and half the time they ended up deep in the woods. This had no correlation to where they were before they transformed, but that's beside the point. In the city battles, many times the twenty foot story tall opponents would fall down on skyscrapers, utterly obliterating them.
Unless Angel Grove, the Ranger's home town, had instataneous matter transporters, these battles resulted in dozens, if not hundreds of deaths.
03.26.01 Stick It To The Man, Baby!
Slacking off at work takes a little bit of skill, some luck and a screaming desire not to go straight out of your gourd and drop kick a kid through the 4:30 showing of 'Heartbreakers'.
Anywho, let's start at the ticket taker position. You see him tearing many tickets in half. He's working hard. Until all the movies start. Then what does he have to do?
Stare at the video games! Well, no, that's not really fun at all. Those magical ticket eating gray things they stand in front of? They can hold magazines and newspapers! Jinkies!
It's not like the manager is around to check out anything anyway.
If the ticket taker is really bored they can flirt with the Underage Mexican Prostitute Impersonators, (see archive). Sometimes the security gaurd comes by. Always good for a little conversation about life, liberty and the towing of nearby cars.
The USHER. This fortunate soul has much more potential for screwing off. The easiest way to be eager to perform your tasks. 'The Mexican' getting out in five minutes? Why, run in and wait! Half the time someone will stay for the credits anyway. It is important NOT to clean while the patrons are still in the theatre as the sheer act of garbage being put away will be too much for their fragile little minds to handle. Their heads will pop. Pop! And you'll just have to clean more.
Ushers also have to do 'Theatre Checks'. This is the explanation for why you see the oddly dressed employees wandering through the movie fifteen minutes in, distracting you from the first murder.
The alleged duties of the Checker is to count the people in the theatre, make sure the back door wasn't jimmied open so people could sneak in and make sure the sound and picture are okay. That might sound a little odd but I've seen it myself. The film would run with a black bar on the bottom and people's heads streching halfway across the ceiling like images on Silly Putty and nobody will say anything. Not a word. Not one word. I shudder to think what will happen if an actual emergencey breaks out.
Not really. I'm out the closest door like a light if anything starts burning or shaking.
Anywho, a good slacker takes the time to refamilarize themselves with the movie. Sometimes a cool scene is coming and heck, you can't miss that! Seagal is going to shoot someone! Tee hee!
Continuing on; All the movies start at about the same time. They get out at staggered times too, so the bathrooms aren't filled with people who held it just so they could see the guy and the girl kiss. (Like they wouldn't). This all means that there's about an hour of downtime between the movies for the usher team. Making sure the bathrooms haven't exploded only (and Checking, see above) takes up only so much time. A wise usher finds a dark, secluded corner and hides from the managerial team. This is easy to do at my ork place. The managers are either upstairs, behind the counter or in the box. (The air conditioned place wherin they give you the tickets and not understand you when you ask for three adults).
Sometimes chaos happens. The security gaurd is asked to talk to some strange person in 'Mexican' who keeps sitting down and standing up. In the aisle. (Actual occurence). A lady parks under a 'No Parking' sign and gets towed. Idiots are skipping theatres or promising to smoke in them. (All true). A wise usher utilizes this distraction for maximum 'not working' value.
It all comes down to recognizing the opprotunities for slackage and grabbing it by the throat and throttling it. Just don't do this with the porn I found upstairs in the break room. (Unforunately true).
Next Week's News
Nation's sewer systems break down. After an unprecedented satisfactory result with Mir hitting Taco Bell's sign, the Mexican food company gave a free taco to every person in America. The resulting diarrhea epidemic overloaded toilets across the country.
Pepsi announces; "Hit Our Machine During A Deadly Rampage, We'll Pay Your Bail" contest.
Nascar racers psychologically evaluated for horrible death wishes.
Strom Thurmond is found to have been dead for thirty years.
Zombie hordes created from Mir space bug overwhelm millitary base. Spunky helicopter pilot and ankle-injured love interest escape in helicopter.
AOL announces plan to buy stable of Microsoft jokes. "We already have purchased the 'Microsoft Buys Vatican' story, says AOL spokesperson. "Negotiations for 'Microsoft Buys Heaven' are proceeding on schedule."
Newsweek magazine is un uproar after accidentally getting a fact right. "We don't know what happened." said Vice President Bob Mitchell. "The copy editor must have transposed a date and got the numbers correct. It's mind-boggling. Hopefully our owners, Ben and Jerry's S&M shop, will step in and solve it."
In related news, Time magazines has promised to not being boring shits. "We plan to be exciting shits." said spokesperson.
AOL buys E/N webmaster, has him shot.
03.20.01 "You Have Found A Secret Level"
Standing at the front, tearing tickets for slobbering yokels, I have to deal with and block out many video games and monstrosoties. Here they are, from right to left.
1) Sticker Prints. I hate this damn thing.It's a big yellow hunk of plastic with a blue shield hanging in front of it. The purpose is to have your face plastered on a sheet of stickers. Sixteen stickers for three dollars and each one is about the size of a molecule. The most annoying part is the constantly repeating ad loop for it, as if a giant yellow turd pile in the middle of the lobby isn't enough to get it noticed.
2) I'm not sure how to describe the next thing. You stick your money in and a bunch of lights flash around and about. If you press the button when the appropiate light is flashing red instead of yellow, a cheap trinket will fall down. Some of the possible prizes are Pokemon cards, which are kind of okay. Except that they are in Japanese. Might help if I knew Japanese.
3) It's a racing game, made by Nintendo. Something Run Something Or Other. The graphics are blocky and choppy. They do have a nice selection of cars with which to race. Except all, including the Humvee, have large rocket engines in the back. Activating these engines cause the front wheels to go high in the air, as all Humvees do.
4) Another racing game. Ridge Racer. It had it's own seat, which I will never sit in as it is dirtier then a sewage factories holding tank. I've tried to clean it but the cleaner that can take dug in popcorn grease off a wall or a years woth of dust off 'Sticker Prints' is next to useless on the dirt caking Ridge Racer's seat. "I laugh in the face of your puny cleaner!" it shouts. That's when I go upstairs and clock out, for dirt laughing at me is a sign I need to go home.
5) Beast Blasters 2. It's one of those gun-games. The guns also had years worth of crap built up on them but this was less mighty crap. It came off with a few minutes of scrubbing.
The plot of the game is pretty cool. A floating city contains a large and well-populated mental hospital. Then something went wrong inside the place. All the staff and patients and many other things have been transformed into flesh eating monstrosities.
This is where it gets odd. Three battle-mech marines were sent in. One is dispatched by being shot three times by a helicopter. The same helicopter that just dropped him off at the landing pad. The second marine notices that six stories below are some zombies. This suprises him so much he falls off the building to his doom, as ten foot high battlemechs of death cannot handle six story falls.
It's left up to you to shoot up all the zombies and presumably...uh...not get killed by your own support staff.
Quite naturally it also has an irratating intro.
6) Tekken Tag Tournament. It's a fighting game. It's okay. The intro is relatively quiet and subdued. Also, each intro is broken up by a random fight between random characters. Really odd characters. They have a kangaroo, a panda bear, a raptor, a wooden robot, the same robot but metallic, a boxer, several women with nearly no clothes and what looks like Guile on steroids. Plus a legion of humans differentiated only by hair style, different pants and their own special 'Let me put my crotch on your face' move.
7) Raiden 2. Typical spacecraft shoot 'em up. It's intro involves your craft dying in varied ways. Real encouraging there.
8) Area 51, Section 4. I like this game, despite itself. It's a sequel. Area 51 was like 'Beast Blaster'. Horrible aliens invade an army base. Your chore is to go through and using the guns provided, blow the crap out of any and all aliens. When you had a machine gun load and was facing the development lab, the shattering of the monitors and windows was just awesome.
So naturally they took this away in the sequel. Now they have many mini games. For example, three tough alien possesed men are trying to run down a corridor to reach you. You gotta blast them back.
The rest of the skill games do compose a story on their own. The brig is now home to several of your colleagues being held hostage. The sickbay has a horribly disgusting gelationous monster trying to send parasite slugs to suck on the wounded. The officer's neighberhood is pitch black and has nasties crawling about. The PX just got a shipment of Britney Spears CDs in and the enlisted men's kids are trying to break in and get them.
Despite the annoyances of the new format, it's highly original.
The best part about it, though, is when you shoot enough glass. You see, the lights and other glass objects for the most parts contain secrets. Get enough of them, you can open up a secret level.
A woman announces this in the sexiest voice ever. "You have found a secret level.". You have to be there but the voice just makes me weak-kneed. Yes, I know I have no life.
03.14.01 The People I Have To Deal With
This is just a shortlist of some of the more memorable employees and customers at work. (It's a movie theatre, for those of you who don't know. Shame on you!).
1) Matt is an assistant manager. He is unable to comprehend that when no customers are in the lobby, they cannot see you messing with the vest. I was flapping the sides, desperately trying to get air circulating and avoiding heat stroke. Apparently the customers have x-ray vision and can see through the doors of the individual theatres.
2) Vince is the head manager. He wears a black suit all the time. He's a bit jumpy. His trips over his own words. He also has superpowers.
3) Tiny Mexican Boy. He's a general supervisor. Everyone calls him that. He doesn't mind.
4) John. He looks like a younger Chris Farley. He's cool. He saved me from getting in trouble with Vince by sneaking a Playstation magazine upstairs for me. I wasn't supposed to have it under the ticket box.
5) Hacking Girl. She works behind the concessions. I've only seen her work two days and she's been coughing the cough of death for both days. Oddly this doesn't affect her food-handling work in anyway.
And now, the customers:
1) Underage Mexican Prostitute Gang: Three girls who couldn't be older then fourteen dressed up in ways that would make Cher cry. They were led by an angry looking Peurto Rican kid. They spent half the time hanging out in the lobby and talking on the cellphone.
2) Cell Phone Lady: I swear, two days in a row she came to see a movie and spent ten minutes in the lobby yakking away. Why do they do that? Watch the movie already! Hang UP! Oh well. Not my problem.
3) Reader. We recently got benches in. This lady wanders in and sits on a bench for about an hour, reading files and what not.
4) Hulk Hogan. No, I am not making this up. He was very nice the other day, even though he had to talk to Vince. I had to run in and finish cleaning up the theatre him and his friends were in, because I was generally being forgetful and dumb during the appropiate time to clean. It was okay. There were very few people and his friends were cool, talking with me about what went on. Hogan was very quite.
A couple months before I started work there, me and mom went to see a movie. She noticed Hogan in line and snuck up behind him. She did a height comparisin by waving her hand directly over her head. It came up to his shoulder blades. Then he turned around, did a double suplex on her and tossed her through a window.
Next Update: The Arcade Games In The Lobby.
03.08.01 Baby Needs A New Sound Card!
I just noticed something. All the sponsors for the site this page sits on (internettrash dot com are online gambling casinos. Just what I am I supporting with this blog?
The microwave at work is also a regular old timer. You gotta press the 'Cook' button before it will heat up your can of noodles and shredded cow eyeballs.
Way To Go
03.08.01 Link dump! Don't stumble! Loss prevention horror stories. Those guys really ARE following you. HHGTTG Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy character test. I got Ford Prefect. Am I all your base or not? has got to be the coolest website possibly created by drunken UNIX coders at 2:30 in the morning.
You know, some of you are probably wondering what I look like. And some of you are desperately hoping I never figure out a digital camrea. Well, too late. I did. I'm at the top. I'd never thought I'd get the chance to say, "I'm at the top."
Dear Chris: Way to go.
03.08.01
Pointless Busywork?
No, I'm not talking about creating this website. I live at the end of a half a mile long road. It has multiple half circles leading off from the right. I live at the very last loop. About twenty feet past the last loop is the end of the road. Past this is a batch of trees that merges into a long line of trees. This line is on a small hill. The line blocks the neighberhood from the brick and mortar and storage area local companies use on the other side. (The put down pallets and put bricks on the pallets. And dead bodies for Satanic rituals). The other day some workers came down and sliced all the trees back to the hill for no discernible reason. I don't know if this was connected to the incident of men in orange jumpsuits throwing debris into the nearby ditch. It probably was. That was a very odd incident. I don't know what is wrong with the world today.
Today's recommended link is Rainbow Foods jpg.
Today's recommended recipie is Cow.
Today's recommended reading is M*A*S*H*.
03.05.01
Wherein Microsoft Is Ragged On
I was watching a Microsoft commercial the other day. There was a stable, unmoving shot of a factory floor. Large, unweildy-looking packages would, for the most part, roll down rollers from the right to the left. Two sets of rollers headed for the screen. Occasionaly a package would come down the right hand roller set.
The voice-over talked about how Microsoft's new programs are really good and really stable and you can trust them, really. (Though the first time watcher wouldn't know this was a Microsoft commercial until the very end). What's the punchline?
Every package that headed for the screen came this close to popping off the rollers and crashing to the floor.
03.06.01 A few thoughts and observations for my two acknowledged fans. (Come on people, email me!)
Being Ever So Wrong
1) One time I needed a job. (Scary, I know). The local grocery store had a sign declaring an upcoming job fair. This is cool, I thought. A chance to fill out applications for many open positions.
I come in on the right date. The job fair was two ladies at a table handing out applications for other locations of the grocery store chain in the area. Real exciting. Whoopty-de-doo.
2) I don't know if this by design or stupidity, but it's really starting to hork me off. Pop up ads are bad, of course. Four identical pop up ads, one on top of each other, are infinitely worse. What is wrong with people?
3) It's odd the news was ever so blatantly wrong. Remember when everyone was hopped up over the fact the human genome was finally cracked? Well, at the time, it was only ninety percent of the genome. (You had to listen carefully to the arse-end of the news broadcasts).
We still learned that humans have the same number of genes as Fluffy. Cool, huh?
I swear, this is a conspiracy. Three times the counter that used to be here went missing along with all the other links below.
02.24.01 The Best Of The Best Of The Stuff That Doesn't Suck
I've ranted here and there how basically, most of the website sucks donkey balls. Well, I think that's the first time I genuienly used the phrase 'donkey balls', (outside of hardcore porno) but gee golly, I really mean it. It's so damn hard to get any useful/entertaining or hell, GOOD stuff out there on the net. So, link dump!
By god, it's an excuse not to create as much content as the other updates have. Seanbaby is basically an 80's nostalgia kid. If you went to elementary school back then, you'll enjoy this site more then the Mexican lottery! And even if you're an old fart, you'll still like the humor and sexy babes. Mmm, sexy babes.
See the seedy underbelly of temping at Not My Desk Dot Com Com Dot Com. Just don't ask for hiccuping chicks. I swear, some people are insane.
All in The Family Cirkus. Not, I repeat not a way to totally rag on that sugary sweet idiotic Family Circus cartoon. All hail Keane. All hail Keane.
X-Entertainmen. Basically, it's the same deal as Seanbaby, only with longer loading times and more Star Wars gay characters jokes.
Please don't slay yourself with a butcher knife if your site wasn't mentioned in today's update. It only means you suck.
02.23.01 How I Improved The World Part 1 Disclaimer: I have no proof the following actually happened like I said it did. But why would I lie? (Don't answer that). A while ago I was sitting in the AOL Only Marvel Boards when I had an idea. What if John Romita Juinor drew Thor? I had seen some his work on a DC/Marvel crossover character/issue called 'THORION'. I thought it would be pretty cool if JR JR did Thor himself. I mentioned it online. (Well, in AOL). Another poster read this and suggested it to Roger Stern. Stern was to be the writer of an upcoming Thor series. Stern voiced, online, his approval of the suggestion. Wizard, Guide To Comics, had JR JR saying that Stern suggested to him. He liked it, contacted Marvel and it was a go. Of course, I read this issue of Wizard (I forgot which number it was), well after buying this and giggling madly for a few days.
02.21.01
Lies, Damned Lies and Supermarket Lies
A while ago I needed a job. (No, really?) A local grocery store in walking distance, called 'Giant', had ads for an upcoming job fair. I thought this would be an appropiate way to evantually score some beer money in exchange for my soul. On the appointed day I walked to the store. (Crossing the Intersection of Death, a story for another day). The job fair consisted of two ladies handing out applications for other Giants in the area.
Giant was a crappy store anyway. At least this one. The prices were insane, the aisles were tiny and they never had any product. (Well, they did have product but it just sounds bitchy to say they never had any).
Blockbuster Video must be hiring high school students for their marketing department. A few weeks before I left they started pushing a new product on their in-store ad-tapes they play on the monitors. It was a Playstation 2 gift card for the Playstation collecter in your life. (What?) It was a typical gift card with a PS2 logo on it instead of a TITANIC scene. The commercial seemed to think that the PS2 logo made it some sort of collecter's item. Who would want to keep a used gift card?
The kicker was, in my store, empty gift cards are thrown away.
02.20.01 Let's see what's in the news...
Long-term FBI agent Robert Philip Hanssen was charged with passing documents to Russian agents, identifying with Russia for three double agents and being the only person in America to know who the hell is in charge of the whole damn country over there at the moment.
A computer mistake on United Airlines' website resulted in people booking insanely low fares. After much consternation, a spokesperson said that there were going to honor the booked tickets at said low fares. The spokesperson went on to reassure reporters that the United Airlines passengers would still 'be fed rock hard inedible food, treated like cattle and be killed off one by one by deep vein thrombosis'.
From a CNN story on people found in plane wheel wells. 'But stowing away in an airliner wheel well is often fatal because as the wheels retract, the area is enclosed, with little oxygen and warmth.' Insert your own joke here.
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., previewed legislation she promised that would invigorate the economy of upstate New York. When reached for comment, former President William Clinton promised to do the same thing. "No more spending all my twenties at one strip joint." he promised. "It's time to share the love!".
In the U.K., people who endanger lives through the manipulation of public computers will be deemed terrorists. Insurance agents, public health offices and doctor's receptionists immeadetly promised to organize a protest.
02.19.01 Okay, so all these stories don't happen at night and not all are terrifying but it's a much cooler name then 'Thoughts On a Log'.
Yes, it's sad that Dale Earnhardt crashed into a wall about a mile from the finish line and died. He's human so that makes it a tragedy. But it's really hard to get cooked up over the death of a man who voluntarily flings himself around a racetrack at triple digit speeds. I'm just suprised this kind of nonsense doesn't happen more often.
A few hours after I heard the news I was watching TV. A series of flipping through the channels got me the last half of a Goody's Headache Powder commercial. Who was their corpoate spokesperson? Yep. Dale. What a creepy thing.
(Headache powder?)
In more personal news, I got a really weird pizza. (Cue readers clicking over to porn.com). It was one of those microwavable, ninety-nine cents, made-from-the-ass, serves-one pizzas. There were five slices of pepperoni places straight down the middle. Think of a clock at noon. One line slice was standing off to the side, half buried under cheese and sausage bits. I'd like to imagine that my pizza was the last one the under-paid factory worker did right before clocking out, going home and watching drag racing. (Hey! I tied together two disparate topics! Me are writer!).
02/17/01 So we bombed Iraq because they were gaining the capabillity to harass U.S. and British planes in Iraq. Sheesh. Why is okay to bomb the civillians but not bomb Saddam?
In other news, thecomplaintstation.com has decided not to show what I write so I guess I'll talk about Playstations.
Playstations 2 to be exact. People have gone insane over them. The Blockbuster I used to work at ordered 2. One person rented one then turned around and said it was stolen. Suuuuure. He had to pay something like 350 bucks. Way less then what he could get on eBay. (Where someone sold a PS2 box for hundreds).
Anywho, that's not the best part. The other PS2 went defective. We sent it back and they, in return, sent us a NES. Not a SNES. An original Nintendo Entertainment System. Hell, that's probably worth more then PS2 itself! I would have stolen it if I didn't already have one.
02/17/01Top ten worst ways to die in the X-Men universe.
10) The Blob sits on you.
09) Prof. X makes an annoying song go through your head until you shoot yourself.
08) Wolfsbane gives you rabies.
07) Wolverine does a cavity search.
06) Iceman freezes your urine and you get frozen to the urinal and die.
05) Late night Danger Room 'training session' in Bermuda goes out of control.
04) Poker with Gambit.
03) Replacing Cyclop's visor with red cellophane.
02) Make out session with Rogue.
01) Staring into Prof's bald head too long and have a reflected beam fry
through your eyeballs and into your brain.
Some months ago Jerome Gieger was attending a performance of 'The Nutcracker' at Ruthe Eckerd
Hall in Clearwater, Flordia.
Ingrid Rea and Kenneth Rea were nearby, and according to Gieger, talking
throughout the performance. Fifteen minutes before the end, Jerome leapt over
Ingrid and began beating the shit out of Kenneth.
Absurdly enough, Jerome was actually arrested, instead of being publically
hailed like the hero he is.
I wonder if it's possible to donate to his legal defense fund?
02/15/01 In a desperate attempt to stave off any actual creativity on my part, I've decided today's update will be an egotistical re-printing of two of my alt.humor.best-of-usenet entries. Yes, I have flamed them in the past, but they can recognize greatness (or drug-addled insanity).
Subject: Re: Eyes in portrait paintings
From: lots42@aol.comaol.com. (And knowing is half the battle.)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams
>From: gilianfrye@***.com (GilianFrye)
>What causes the "eyes that follow you" phenomena in portrait paintings?
Bad guys spying on you from within secret passageways.
Subject: Re: [OT] Just a rumor...
From: lots42@aol.comaol.com (And knowing is half the battle.)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
>From: Andrew ark70d@******.edu
>---Andrew Kunz, who remembers reading about how Wolverine had a daughter (in
>the not-so-distance future) and somehow ends up killing Wolverine as a
>birthday present...or something like that.
What?
A few years ago Wolverine acqurired an adopted daughter after saving her
from a deadly monster. (The mom was smooshied). Wolvy became a negligent
parent. (In other words, yet another Dangling Plotline). And as seems to be
the norm for all kids in the Marvel Universe, they turn evil and try and
kill their parental figures. This syndrome is called Lazieus Writerus.
02/12/01 Does anyone really believe Napster is going to go away?
Yeah, yeah, all that other text stuff of mine went away. You can see it in the archive. (Ed. Note: Recursivness is fun!) Yeah, an archive. Me, big old heap webmaster. Why are you reading this and not the archive? I'm waaaiting.
Lots of things are happening. Dejanews sold off it's Usenet archive to Google, disproving the rumors that they lost it or fired the only guy who could restore it. Or girl. Lets be fair.
One wonders (okay, *I* wonder, damn pretentious writing) what will happen to Dejanews as they sold off their insane rating systems to Half dot com.
Napster wins a week's reprieve as the judges are still finalizing their opinions, or checking their facts or scratching their large, flabby butts. Don't they know that eighty million other napster clones are already out and functioning?
Timmybighands closes it's doors soon, due to the lack of money being made. Well, DUH. It's the internet! The world wide web! The only thing that is making money is eBay and that's because human beings are selling what other human beings want? (Except of course, guns and body parts because eBay is our lord and master and we must do what they say).
Ads do provide income to some webmasters, like at say...Something Awful. Sometimes it goes cockeyed but still...Something Awful has something people want. Namely Jeff K. What I'm trying to say is that people will visit the good stuff no matter what and pepsi and coca cola and CrapChips can make that a good deal by buying banners because hey, you can go to the store and buy CrapChips.
Of course, I'm probably completely ass-wrong on this but what the hell, this is my website.
In other news, we've landed on an asteroid! An asteroid, man! Too cool.
02/11/01 Doesn't anyone have CONTENT anymore? I just spent way too long looking for comic book cover galleries. The pages were either 404, not cover gallery pages, had covers but from eighty years ago or were so full of java and mdi files and shit that they wouldn't EVEN OPEN! ARGH!
A couple months ago I went with my brother to the local Social Security/Licensing/Tax/Kitty-Stomper goverment office. We sat about for half an hour, waiting, hoping that things would go smoothly. It gave me time to look around.
The boring place had the scariest water fountain ever and...anti-weapons warning. A large yellow sign warning us that weaponry wasn't allowed here. They even had a gaurd. I think he was armed.
I didn't know whether to be amused or scared.
Quite naturally, my brother had been told the completely wrong things and they had to re-visit a few days later. I didn't go that time.
I always plan to get things in writing. With the goverment places it won't do much good but it would provide me with a little bit of a satisfaction to say, "I needed the X-4 form instead of the Q-R one? Well, looks like Tammy doesn't know what the heck she is doing as she told me I needed the X-4 Friday the 12th at 2:00 pm."
Aw, who am I kidding. As if any goverment office would be open at 2 on a Friday.
In other news, a post from from recsomethingsomethingfandom stated that it used to not be normal for crows to attack seagulls but now it is happening.
I saw it happening in a parking lot the other. A gull had a cool piece of garbage and the crows kept yelling at him. Other gulls were backing the first one up and flying inteference. It was all very surreal.
Then I discovered I was in the wrong car.
02/09/01 I like alt.humor.best-of-usenet. They generally have a cool sense of humor. But they're a bit weird. About a month ago they had up three entries in a horrible flame war. Sure, there may have been some sort humor in there but still...
Sometimes they Rot13 certain posts because they have objectional matierial. Sure, their perogative. But when I change the text it turns out to be some mild PG13 stuff. Then along comes "Re: How to have sex with everyone you meet in graphic detail". (Okay. I'm exaggerating. A little).
I wonder if they stopped putting up the Monastery's stuff.
In other news, 'Duke Nukem: Zero Hour' is really damn hard.
02/06/01 Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I've been trying to get through debilitating sinus pain and the rampages of two, yes, just two, wisdom teeth.
On the plus side, I plan to start migrating some of the material over from my AOL site. This way if/when AOL goes tits-up, I can have the cool stuff here. (Well, I think it's cool. A Poe parody of "The Raven" called "The Neelix" would elicit all sorts of reactions).
In other news, to this day AOL has still not re-instated the newsgroup alt.tasteless. What a bunch of hypocrites.
02/03/01 You know, I'd just like to throttle some people. And not just talking about the two guys on Eighth and Maple who owe me for the four dime bags.
The people I'm flaming today are the people who rag on Bush for his mis-pronounciations.
They're probably the same people who rag on Rush for his weight.
Both concepts don't matter one single ding-dong fart. It's the ideas behind the man and and it's the things he does that counts. Yes, I know Bush has done a lot of funny stuff recently. (I'm still not convinced about that working with religous charity deal). And not so recently. For goodness sake's, rag on him about that.
Like you haven't misprounounced anything in your life.
01/30/01 I should have known it was not my brother's car I was sitting in due to the fact it had an umbrella and was clean.
It's not like rain is a well known phenomenon down here in Flor-Duh, it's just that it makes sense, really. Thank goodness the car owner didn't see me. I started getting real suspicous when the nearby crows and gulls were yelling and screaming at each other. I never saw birds just stand there and bitch. I would not have been suprised if they started flicking switchblades and dancing rythmically.
Every try and shave a dog that doesn't want to be shaved?
01/29/01 I'll probably never find a color format I like. I have the design sense of a branch.
Don't worry, my legions of fans. This page here isn't going to become some mutant diary thing. I know for some there's little distinction but the we-blogs out there that mark the TIME of the entries are just weird and scary, much like Michael Jackson.
01/28/01 Why were so many of the Superbowl commercials reruns? This makes me sad and confused.
I bet we'll never see the 'Pepsi vending machine commits horrible murder' commercial again. God, who comes up with that stuff?
Why can't MAD Magazine and CRACKED come
up with enough original material to fill a new issue? Recently I checked out 'Best Of The Eighties' from the library. The non-movie parody stuff was very familar to me as I've seen it multiple times in many MADs.
01/23/01 To My Legions Of Fans. (Yeah, right. Hi, Lori!). I've been trying to update my page recently but it hasn't been easy. Not for lack of content (i.e. mindless babble). It's just that my computer likes to reboot right at the most innapropiate times. Not when I'm reading Notmydesk.com or writing in Horsehockey. Just when I'm updating is whe
01/20/01 I don't understand it. I can stay up until four in the morning whenever I want. It's easy. It's simple. It's an ingrained habit by now because at night I encounter less stupid people and I don't have to shave.
Of course, stay up till four means sleeping in 'till eleven but when your job doesn't start until three or you're an unemployed gadabout, that's not much of a problem.
So why is it, when I fall asleep at a normal hour (midnight) I invariably wake up four hours later with a pounding headache that would kill a thousand weaker men? I don't get this headache sleeping from four to eleven, only from 12 to four.
I can only assume midnight air is poison. Ow. I'm off to drug myself into submission.
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